The holidays bring the whole family into one room, and that is exactly what can make them hard for a parent with dementia. More people, more noise, a later dinner, a house that looks different. A day meant to feel warm can end with your mom upset and you wondering what went wrong.
Most of what helps comes down to planning: a smaller day, an earlier meal, a quiet place to rest, and a word with relatives before they arrive. This guide draws on advice from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) and the Alzheimer’s Association. If your parent has recently been diagnosed, our page on dementia home care explains how in-home support works day to day.
Why are the holidays hard for someone with dementia?
Many of the things that can unsettle a person with dementia show up at once in late November and December. The NIA lists sudden changes in a familiar place, routine or person, too much noise or too many people in the room, and being pushed to do or remember things they no longer can. A holiday gathering can bring all three.
Conversation gets harder too. The NIA says people with Alzheimer’s may have trouble following long conversations and blocking out background noise like a TV or other people talking. The Alzheimer’s Association notes that overlapping conversations are especially hard. Six relatives catching up across a table can be a lot to take in.
Your parent may also feel a sense of loss at this time of year, and caregivers often feel stretched trying to keep every tradition going. Both are normal. The goal isn’t a perfect holiday. It’s a day your parent can enjoy and you can get through.
How can you plan a calmer holiday?
The NIA’s first suggestion is simple: understand that things will be different, and be realistic about what you can do. From there, a few choices make the biggest difference.
Keep it smaller
The NIA suggests inviting friends and family but limiting how many people visit at one time. The Alzheimer’s Association says a much smaller, more casual gathering is fine, and so is skipping the big one. Two or three relatives dropping by across the afternoon may go better than everyone arriving at once.
Move the meal earlier
Many people with dementia have a harder time in the late afternoon and early evening. The NIA calls this sundowning: restlessness, agitation, irritability and confusion that start or get worse as daylight fades, and being overly tired makes it worse. The NIA suggests planning outings for the time of day when your parent is at their best, and the Alzheimer’s Association suggests celebrating earlier in the day because of sundowning. A holiday lunch instead of a 6 p.m. dinner can change the whole day.
Protect the usual routine
Try to keep meals, rest and bedtime close to their normal times. The NIA’s sundowning tips include sticking to a schedule, getting some daylight, staying active without planning too many activities, and avoiding alcohol and caffeine, like coffee or cola, late in the day. That second pot of coffee with dessert may be one to skip.
Set up a quiet room
The NIA recommends a quiet space your parent can go to for a break, with favorite activities or calming music. A bedroom with a familiar blanket, family photos and a playlist of songs they love works well. Someone they trust can sit with them there while the rest of the house stays busy.
Keep the traditions that still fit
The NIA suggests building your parent’s own holiday traditions into the day. The Alzheimer’s Association suggests giving them safe, manageable jobs they enjoy, like helping with food, wrapping presents, decorating or setting the table. Drop the activities that have become stressful or risky. A parent who always made the pie might enjoy stirring the filling or sitting nearby while a grandchild bakes it.
What should you tell relatives before they visit?
Relatives who haven’t seen your parent in months may be surprised by the changes. The NIA suggests telling visitors about the diagnosis in advance and explaining that it affects behavior and personality, not only memory. The Alzheimer’s Association suggests a short email or letter to the whole family, and asking people to call when they’re nearby so you can get ready. A few points worth sharing:
- Mom may not recognize you, or may call you by someone else’s name. The NIA notes that a person may not always recognize a visitor but often still enjoys their company.
- Make eye contact, call her by name, and speak one at a time.
- Give her time to answer, and don’t interrupt or correct her.
- Talk with her, not about her, even if she seems not to follow.
- Ask simple questions. The NIA suggests “Do you want fish or chicken for dinner?” instead of “What do you want for dinner?”
If someone is feeling unwell, the Alzheimer’s Association suggests they stay home and visit by video or phone instead.
Should your parent travel for the holiday?
Sometimes it’s easier for the family to come to your parent. The NIA advises avoiding crowds, changes in routine and strange places that may confuse or worry a person with dementia. If travel makes sense, the NIA suggests:
- Talk with your parent’s doctor before the trip, including about medicines that may help if they get upset while traveling.
- Choose the way of traveling that is most comfortable and least stressful for them.
- Keep the home routine for eating, rest and bedtime.
- Plan rest periods, and don’t plan too many activities.
- Make sure they wear or carry an ID bracelet or other ID in case they get lost.
- Be ready to cut the visit short.
If the holiday meal is at a restaurant, the NIA suggests a quiet place your parent likes, going at off hours or earlier in the day, and asking for a table near the restroom.
What safety checks matter during a holiday visit?
A house full of food, decorations and guests brings some new risks. A few to check, from the NIA and the Alzheimer’s Association:
- Keep alcohol, medicines and cleaning products locked up or out of the house. It’s also worth asking guests to keep bags with medicines out of reach.
- Skip artificial fruit and decorative candy, which can be mistaken for real food. Blinking lights may also confuse.
- Check that smoke detectors work. The NIA notes a person with dementia may not smell smoke.
- Leave a nightlight on in the hallway and bathroom for guests and your parent alike.
What if the day starts to go badly?
Even a good plan can wobble. If your parent becomes restless or upset, the NIA suggests speaking calmly, not arguing, and reassuring them that they’re safe. Lower the noise, move to the quiet room, and offer a distraction like a snack, a drink, some music or a short walk. It’s fine to end the visit early. A short, happy afternoon counts as a good holiday.
If your parent can’t be with everyone this year, a video call can still connect them. The Alzheimer’s Association suggests adding some structure, like looking at old photos or singing a few seasonal songs together, since large group calls can be hard to follow.
Who looks after the caregiver?
If you care for your parent most days, the holidays can add a lot to an already full plate. The NIA suggests making time for your own holiday activities and asking a friend or family member to stay with your parent while you’re out. A visiting sibling can take an afternoon shift. If you need more than that, respite care gives you scheduled time off while someone else covers the routine, and companionship visits can keep your parent company on ordinary days too. The Alzheimer’s Association also runs a free 24/7 Helpline at 800-272-3900.
And if this visit is the first time you’ve seen how much has changed, our guide to seven signs your parent needs help at home can help you sort out what you noticed.
How Pasha Health can help
Pasha Health provides in-home, non-medical care in Oregon, including companionship, dementia and Alzheimer’s care, and respite care. Our caregivers speak English, Russian, Serbian, Spanish and Ukrainian. Pasha Health accepts Medicaid. Our phone is answered 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and every request gets a same-day callback, weekends included.
If the holidays have you thinking about what comes next, take the two-minute assessment or schedule a call. Tell us what you’ve noticed, and we’ll talk through what kind of help would fit.
Questions families ask
What time of day is best for a holiday meal with a parent who has dementia?
Earlier is usually better. The National Institute on Aging suggests planning outings for the time of day when the person is at their best, and the Alzheimer’s Association suggests celebrating earlier in the day because of sundowning, when restlessness and confusion can get worse in the late afternoon and evening.
Should we bring Mom to our house for the holiday or go to her?
It depends on how she handles change. The National Institute on Aging advises avoiding strange places and changes in routine that may confuse or worry a person with dementia. If she does travel, keep her usual times for meals, rest and bed, plan rest breaks, and be ready to leave early.
What should we tell relatives who haven’t seen Dad in a while?
Tell them ahead of time that the disease affects behavior and personality, not only memory, and that he may not recognize them. Ask them to speak one at a time, give him time to answer, and not correct him. The Alzheimer’s Association suggests a short letter or email to the whole family.
Is it all right to skip the big gathering this year?
Yes. The Alzheimer’s Association says to do only what you can reasonably and safely manage, which may mean a much smaller, more casual gathering, or none. A short visit, a video call or an old tradition at home can still mark the day.
Sources: National Institute on Aging (Adapting Activities for People With Alzheimer’s Disease; Coping With Agitation, Aggression, and Sundowning; Communicating With Someone Who Has Alzheimer’s Disease; Alzheimer’s Caregiving: Home Safety Tips) and the Alzheimer’s Association (The Holidays and Alzheimer’s).